My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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