It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
