I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
