I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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