It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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