I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
