Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
