i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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