i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
