she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
