you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
