Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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