I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
