So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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