I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
