I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Randomize
