I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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