Can i not drive my cunt home
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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