I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
pop tarts are not kleenex
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
