This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
