The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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