So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Randomize
