I am puke
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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