you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
