Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
nutella sex= disaster
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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