if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
