you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
