so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
