His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
