Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
my liver is dry heaving
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
