Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
