I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
