well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
