We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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