I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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