theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
