Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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