i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
im six kinds of drunk right now
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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