kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
