Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize