apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
