i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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