Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
