Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
