I could make wine with my vomit
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
