Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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