I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
