Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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