Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
