I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Your dad touched me again.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize