Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
