just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
