i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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