I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I could fuck to npr.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize