Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
