I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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