The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Randomize
