I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize