Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
