I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Randomize
