Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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