My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Randomize
